Pick up the Pieces
In a comment to (Monasteries and Taverns), Jim N. asked me what exactly I was trying to figure out. I gave him a quick answer, but I suspect it is not quite enough of an answer to explain the obvious passion I feel about this struggle. So, if I'm going to blog at all, I might as well blog with some measure of open-heartedness and transparency.
In my response to Jim N's comments I said, "Can I be a singer/songwriter and Orthodox Christian at the same time? And if I can, what does that look like? I'm well aware that to the non-Orthodox out there, that may seem like a really silly question. It may even seem like something akin to the Amish fear of technology. But that's not it at all. Orthodoxy does value tradition and is very reluctant to change practices handed down to us. . .but it is not "prudish" or "elitist" or "out of touch". On the contrary. It is the most real thing I have ever experienced. It is the most in touch thing I have ever experienced. It is "authenticity" incarnate. . .and that is the source of my conundrum. Hang on. . .I'll try to explain.
I used to attempt to squeeze some of my "self-worth" out of identifying myself as a "singer/songwriter". It used to make me feel like "somebody". I did the same thing with my status as a "professional engineer". . .as my status as a "husband and father". . .as a "seminary student". . .etc. I won't go into the gory details, but every one of those attempts to "find myself" was unsuccessful. God, in His great mercy, did not allow any of them to work. I was left standing in a pile of my own excrement. . .miserable in my career, failed attempt to finish theological studies, failed marriage, wounded kids, and hardly any inspiration (beyond irony and cynicism) for songwriting. That was my state when I entered the holy Orthodox Church. I had been a Christian for a long time, about 30 years, so Christ was no stranger to me. . .but His Church was. The wonderful traditions that have been preserved in the Orthodox Church completely overwhelmed me, body and soul. There was nothing I wanted more than to be standing in Church immersed in the ancient hymns, prayers, and icons of Christ and the saints. It was only my continuing responsibilities as a father and my accumulated debt that kept me out of a Monastery. Which in hindsight was all a part of God's mysterious providence as well. I was not ready, or able to be a monastic. I was not called. . .I was infatuated. Callings last, but infatuation does not.
One by one I have picked things back up. I'm remarried, I have a new attitude about my profession, and lastly, I'm writing and singing again. (I never ceased being a father, by God's grace.) But I'm so used to doing all these things because I needed them for self-authentication, that to attempt them with dispassion is very weird. . . .especially music, because that one is treacherous under the best of circumstances. Way too much opportunity for self-absorption in that one. I'm trying to pick up the pieces without getting cut, and I'm finding it a little tricky.
