Back to Work

It's been a good vacation, except for the ghosts I've encountered while visiting family in Virginia and Florida. For some reason, old behaviors surface more easily when visiting the places you grew up. And some of those old ghosts are scary, so I find myself hiding behind what I believe, rather than being what I believe. That is, I find myself excusing certain behaviors because I think my faith overshadows my actions. I know it's silly, and I can quote from the book of James and 1st John too, in case you're tempted. My ex-wife brought this to my attention in a startling way when I was a student at Covenant Theological Seminary about 13 years ago. She said, "You go to class all day, studying the Bible, learning theology, learning Greek. . .and you're still the same miserable person you've always been." Ouch. . .she was dead right. . .and God bless her, because that comment is one of the treasures (in addition to my two children and certain other things) that marriage produced. I wasn't able to change much right away (knowledge alone isn't all that helpful), which is one reason she eventually became my ex-wife.

I'm still not doing all that good, at least from my point of view. . .only God knows the reality. . .and I get discouraged. I'm noticing it especially while visiting family on vacation. My prayer life has suffered disruption (nobody's fault but mine, to quote Blind Willie Johnson) and that has a profound effect. The most noticeable thing (to me and especially to my wife) is my lack of humility which manifests itself like an appalling imitation of the Bill O'Reilly show. Yuk!! I'm ready to go home. I'm ready (I hope) for confession. I'm ready to make myself get up in the morning and commemorate the saints and pray with my community. It's been a good vacation, even though I've seen parts of myself that I thought had died. Time to get back to work.