The Angel of Great Lent
I think I need to exorcise some sort of demon. I recognized its shadowy face a couple nights ago in a conversation with a wise man and have been reeling ever since. I'm beginning to think I opened the door for the imp back in 1973, so let me explain.
A well-known Christian writer in those days was fond of asking the question, "How many of your sins were in the future when Christ died on the Cross?" The obvious answer, of course, was "all of them." He used this logic to propagate the idea that, "all of our sins - past, present, and future - were forgiven when Christ died on the Cross." There's a certain inescapable logic to this, and I bought it hook, line, and sinker. On the positive side of things, it changed my attitude towards God. That is, it removed some sort of barrier between God and me and for that I am grateful. But on the other hand, it created a false sense of security and obliterated a natural, intuitive sense of holy fear that every fallen human being has. Much, much worse than that, it reduced me to zero and stole nearly every ounce of humanity, corrupt and fallen as it is, from me. That is, it not only obliterated my sense of fear - it obliterated me! By reducing Christ to just some sort of cosmic scapegoat, this "teaching" unwittingly removes something of the image of God from us - the bit that gives us "essence" or "weight". It inadvertently takes away all our "mass" so that we no long cast real shadows and renders us incapable of making real ripples in the pond of history. In short, it de-humanizes us.
The effect is very subtle, and in my case went unrecognized for years and years. The tell-tale sign has been primarily an unrelenting, angry depression - which I think has simply been my "preferred choice" of self-destruction. It's almost like I had an unconscious need to make some sort of ripple...to cast some miserable shadow...just to prove to myself that I still existed. I don't understand all of this yet - it is all fresh in my mind. I'm pretty pissed off about it at the moment - but I know that will pass and I will get down to the serious business of repentance. However, I've gotten so used to considering myself a zero, that the prospect of regaining my humanity by being cured of this erroneous thinking - sorta scares me. The following passage comes to mind:
Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed, waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, "Do you want to be made well?"The angel still comes every year to stir up the water...Great Lent is just around the corner.
- John 5:2-6
