On-line Confession
How embarrassing. A day after I write that I'm not going to blog anymore...I'm blogging. In fact, I'm blogging about why I'm still blogging. And if this kind of neurotic blogging interests you...keep reading. I don't call this "cracked" mirror for nothing.
When I went to confession earlier this afternoon I got around to telling my spiritual father (bragging may be more accurate) about my decision to "simplify and give up blogging." Of course there were lots more important things in my confession which perhaps would be much more interesting to read about - but this ain't that kind of blog. He eventually brought the conversation back around to "my decision" and said he wasn't all that sure my desire to "simplify" was coming from a good place. On the one hand it surprised me since I thought he of all people would be happy with my desire to be more focused "spiritually." On the other hand, it didn't surprise me at all because I've come to know my spiritual father as a man who can see through me pretty easily - something that is both comforting and distressing simultaneously.
So, after we talked about it, I began to see that the two funerals last weekend had sort of overwhelmed me. Like most everyone else in the so-called modern world, I have lots of internal conflicts about where I should and shouldn't spend my time. Basically it just felt good to make one tiny little mark in the sand and say with some finality, "I'm going to quit blogging." But in reality, I was looking for an easy fix to something that cannot be easily fixed. Day-to-day decisions about what we do is hard work. It requires discernment and the ability to sometimes turn away from what we'd like to do in order to do what we need to do if we are going to love God and our neighbor.
The advice I got this afternoon was, "Just put first things first." I hate that kind of advice...but I'm also grateful - at least a little. That is, in my heart of hearts I know it is true. But I like things tidy, squared up, understandable, digestible, and easy. Black and white is more my style - shades of grey confuse me and color absolutely takes me over the edge. And yet I have noticed that the near-chaotic wildness and complexity of creation is beautiful. Maybe someday I'll learn to appreciate it. But for now, I'm just going to humble myself to my spiritual father's advice and try and put first things first. And sometimes that will mean I make these on-line confessions.
