Tomb of Fear
Nothing reveals my heart more than my relationship with my wife. For instance, I have trouble being "present" in the relationship a lot of the time. I tend to prefer the squishy past (with all its unpleasantness) and foggy future (with all its uncertainty) to the rock-hard present moment. The slippery and hard "right now" is where I'm afraid I'll get all banged up. While I realize that being able to see and admit this is a small victory - it is not the one I'm after. What I really want is to change my behavior.
In order to change my behavior, I need to know myself better. I'm sure this requires Divine revelation because I'm blind as hell itself. I've often looked for this self-knowledge in the pages of scripture, the writings of the Church Fathers, the words of my spiritual father, and other, far less noble places. Many times I've acquired knowledge (of a sort) in those ways - but 9 times out of 10 this kind of self-revelation fails to change my behavior. At best it becomes inert brain patterns, at worst it becomes pride. However, living with my wife gives me knowledge of myself in a different way.
I can't articulate this exactly, but somehow as Macrina and I have struggled to maintain love in our relationship, I'm beginning to understand that the "fear of death" is one of the reasons I am afraid of the "present moment." This actually affects much more than my relationship with Macrina. Basically, it makes it difficult for me to enter into life with my whole heart because I fear the day that the "here and now" becomes the "there and then." I cringe at the thought that death will eventually separate me from everything and everyone I've ever known. I guess somewhere along the line I decided the less I'm involved in life, the easier it will be to let it go. Interestingly, this almost sounds "spiritual." But that is the nature of deception, and without the hard-as-nails reality of my marriage constantly uncovering this spiritual bullshit, I'd never see it for what it is. I'd just ignorantly ignore the fact that the Gospels, the Epistles, the Old Testament and the lives of saints consistently present the holy person as someone who lives and loves fully in the moment. True holiness manifests itself as an abandonment to the will of God without fear of the inevitability of death and decay.
Holy Week began last night at Vespers and we start keeping vigil with the Lord as he approaches his death on the cross. Aware of my lack of faith, I'm praying for a little more faith in this One Who conquered death. I'm praying that His victory over death becomes my victory over death. I'm praying that I will arise from the tomb of my fear and am looking forward to Paschal Matins where I will sing along with all the faithful, "Christ is risen from the dead trampling down death by death and upon those in the tombs bestowing life!"
