Letting Go

Many years ago, when I first read:

"...that through death He (Christ) might destroy him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage."
-Hebrews 2:14b-15

I thought I wasn't afraid of death. And it may be true that as a young man who hadn't experienced much affliction, and who thought he was "saved"...the thought of departing this life didn't trouble me too much. But of course I was naive. Death comes in many forms long before the "big D" arrives. And as I've suffered through a host of "little d" deaths from my youth until now, I realize that I am indeed afraid of death and correspondingly am subject to bondage.

We weren't created to die, but to live, and so it is natural that death would hold fear for us especially since we will face judgment for the things we've done in the body. But God gives us plenty of opportunities to get used to the idea of dying...of letting go. To name a few: We get sick-(we have to let go of health, activities, identity, etc.). We change jobs-(we have to let go of routine, security, status, etc.). We lose friends-(we have to let go of support, social rituals, being "needed", etc). Our children grow up-(we have to let go of our identity as "soccer Moms/Dads", authority, status, etc.). We get divorced. (we have to let go of our marriage, social circles, perhaps children, etc..) We move far from where we were raised-(we have to let go of familiar surroundings, close family ties, a sense of place, etc.) We get fired (we have to let go of status, money, identity, security, etc.)...on, and on, and on. Of course, when the "big D" death arrives, we will be forced to let all of these go and more. And yes, that is enough to make me shrink back in fear.

Perhaps this is one of the reasons why the rhythm of fasting and feasting given us by the cycle of Divine Services in the Orthodox Church is so valuable. It is training...training for the day when our souls will be required of us. It gets us used to the idea that first comes fasting (learning to let go, detach, die) and is always followed by feasting (resurrection).

As of right now, my soul is attached like velcro to all sorts of things, and it would hurt like hell to have it ripped away by an angelic escort, regardless if they were good or evil angels. I think I would be clinging so fiercely to this life and all the baubles I've collected, that I wouldn't even notice the difference between horns and a halo.

This gives me a new appreciation for repentance. It must be why Jesus and John the Baptist both started out by saying; "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand!" In other words, as Fr. Seraphim Rose was fond of saying; "It is later than you think." I'm feeling quite unprepared, but thank God, I'm not feeling lost and despairing. I know that if I simply follow what the Orthodox Church gives me to do, I will gradually learn the art of letting go and dying gracefully in order to take up my new life. I've witnessed people very close to me going through this very process, and I've even experienced some of it myself. It's just that every now and again I see just how much I hate giving up anything - regardless of how horrible it is. And subsequently I often get "stuck". Repentance is getting "unstuck".